Saturday, August 25, 2018

Who Am I and What Am I Doing Here?

It's been over half a year since I've written a post here. I've spent some of that time trying to figure out what I want to do with this blog, or even if I want to keep the blog at all. What started as a place for me to share my life/thoughts/etc., became a huge problem for me.

First, I lacked a focus. The place became a product of my attention deficit tendencies. I jumped from topic to topic - life stuff, recipes, homeschooling, spiritual thoughts, and so on. Things here became so scattered and unorganized that it became difficult for me to even focus to share my thoughts or even to know what I wanted to share my thoughts about.

Second, I got caught up in the numbers. How many people read my post? How many comments did I get? Did my post/picture get any pins on Pinterest? Can you see where this is going? While readers are an important part of the blogosphere, I got so caught up in how popular I was (or wasn't), that I didn't write just to write, which was why I started the blog in the first place. Writing a post began to feel like a chore - something that I had to do instead of something I wanted to do.

So why am I sharing this? After my blogging vacation, I want to come back and write again. I miss the creative process that happens in my brain when my fingers are tapping on my keyboard typing out a post. I am a little (a lot) eclectic in my life in general, so trying to decide if I want to have a specific theme or focus here is difficult.

Friday, January 26, 2018

I Surrender - Maybe, Kind of, Sort of

This week's prompt at Five Minute Friday is "surrender." Five minutes of writing - not worrying about grammar, punctuation, or editing - just getting thoughts out. Here I go:


I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

It's a beautiful hymn, and one I love to sing. Sadly, I stink at putting the concepts into practice. It's not that I don't want to. I want to surrender everything to Jesus; I want to give Him everything. But then my control freak tendencies start to take over.

This is what tends to happen in my brain:
"Jesus, I'm struggling with xyz. I'm giving this to You because I know You have my best interest in mind. You have a plan for what I'm going through. BUUUT, what if I did abc, I'm sure that would help this situation out. Sure, self, I'll just take care of this one part (or continue to worry about this one tiny aspect). Jesus, you can have everything else, though. I trust You."

So what is supposed to be me surrendering everything to Him winds up with me holding on to a corner, a tidbit, just a tiny piece really. And I know that ultimately that means I'm not giving Him anything - I'm not truly trusting Him to take care of me, to lead me, to care for me.

Surrendering it all is a daily struggle for me, but one that I am steadily working on.



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